Hope ye are all set for the bank holiday weekend!
This blog post is a little different and a little more heavy hitting I suppose but I think it’s an important one and it’s the most personal thing I have written.
A few weeks ago I lost my lovely Nannie, or I should say we all lost our lovely Nannie, our family is very big and everyone centred around my Nannie. Her death was quite sudden, unexpected really having been sick for only 3 very short weeks and it came as a huge shock to us all! 💔
5 years ago I had my first experience of grief and losing someone you love when I lost my Grandad. My Grandad was my best friend, my whole world, the first person I wanted to tell my good news too when I had it and the only person I wanted to be with when I was upset, he made it all better without even knowing. Simply uttering the words “Ara my little sweetheart how are ya?” was enough to put me in a little perfect world bubble. I adored him.
My Grandad was very sick for a very long time. He suffered with Emphysema for many years, slowly and gradually deteriorating. As mad as it may sound though in my happy little world I never once imagined losing my Grandad. His illness became so normal it was just part of our lives. So many close to me tried to tell me what was inevitable but I wasn’t listening, I didn’t want to and couldn’t believe it.
When that fateful day came in May 2010, I wasn’t prepared for it, I didn’t know what was coming or the lorry load of grief and pain that was about to hit me. In my head before this heartbreak was a figure of speech not something real. After all no one actually got my heart and cut it in half literally. Well how wrong was I! The pain was excruciating, I physically felt my heart break minutes after my Grandad died beside me. My uncle held me in his arms and called me sweetheart. That was what my Grandad called me & I would never hear him say those words again. The pain was very real and very literal!
Over the next few days, all I heard from people around me was “stop crying” , “don’t be crying now” “you’ll only upset yourself”! All of these people meant well and trying to save me anymore pain but in reality they were adding to the pain. I needed to cry and cry, I cried everyday for over a year after losing my Grandad, that’s what grief does and that’s ok! I will always remember my uncle on the other side of my family telling me the evening of the funeral “I heard them telling you not to cry, don’t listen to them you cry all you want he was your Grandad and worth every tear” words I will be forever grateful for! Someone telling me it was ok to feel like I did!
Roll on 5 years and here was this big heavy truck about to dump another load of grief on me and my family. Another huge figure in my life was being taken away. This time my Nannie, sitting in the hospital was like déjà vu, everything was near identical to my Grandad, I was preparing myself, this time I knew what to expect, what was coming until the time actually came. Losing my Nannie was such a shock that I reacted completely differently, I was numb, I wanted to cry but couldn’t, I didn’t believe Nannie was gone, I still don’t. I was in a daze and just kept going. Which led to me being mad at myself for not being able to cry. I loved my Nannie, why couldn’t I cry in the same way I had for my Grandad. I was so angry at myself, until one evening sitting in my Nannie’s house with my aunt, my mum and my sister. They were all just chatting I sat there with the sudden realisation my Nannie wasn’t there where she should be. The tears started and I couldn’t stop them.
Today, coming home from work in the car, for some reason an image of the last conversation I had with my Nannie came into my head. Her smiling face reaching her arms up to hug me good night and I was hit again. Bang out of no where I had to pull over the car and cry, giving out to myself to cop myself on!
But why was that my first reaction? It’s ok to cry I lost my Nannie, a huge part of my life and someone who featured in it everyday and was now gone. Why is it that crying or grieving is something that is shameful after the funeral. It doesn’t just stop then so why is it we feel we have to cover it up or apologise for it.
This is why I wrote this post, to anyone who has lost someone be it yesterday, last year or 20 years ago, it is always ok to cry, never stop yourself crying for someone you love or never apologise for it. You lost someone you love you cry all you want. Grief has no time limit. Love doesn’t end.
“Grief is the price you pay for losing someone you love”
Thank you for reading ❤️